Training juice...

I've loved the last couple of posts. There's nothing like a bru-haa to keeps things exciting. It's fun and it's sad.

It started with me helping my son complete his first ever triathlon in the face of negative adversity and it ended with accusations of cheating. All over a "Kids of Steel" race. What is this World coming to?

Then it got better, C.C. (Cowardly Commenter) decided to come out from under a rock and support the cheating theory and added another, saying that Training Payne cheated in getting a Kona slot by peeing in his tri-shorts.

Basically it went from the absurd to the sublime.

I've decided to have fun with it at C.C's expense. During tonight's training ride I was thinking what the phone call to the WTC would sound like if C.C. called them to complain about Training Payne peeing his tri-shorts.

I figured it would go something like this.

WTC - Hello, this is Joe, how may I help you?

C.C. - Hi Joe, I'd like to report about a major "cheating" scandal. Something that is putting people into Kona who shouldn't be there.

WTC- Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, before we go further, who am I talking to?

C.C. - I can't tell you that. I don't think that's important at this time.

WTC - Excuse me, I can't tell by the voice, can you at least tell me if you are you a man or woman?

C.C.- That's not important, I can't stress this enough, this is as big as Watergate!

WTC- Watergate? I'm sorry mam, I don't understand the reference.

C.C.- Never mind, it was probably before your time Joe. Let's just say that what I'm about to say will set the triathlon community on it's ear, for years to follow, people with refer to it as "Urine-Gate".

WTC - Whoa, Whoa, mam....please, perhaps I should get our drug testing officials on this call as well. This sounds big.

C.C. - No, no, that's not necessary and please quit calling me mam.

WTC- Sorry, but you won't give me your name, what should I call you?

C.C. - Well in keeping with the Watergate theme, I'd suggest a code word similar to "deep throat".

WTC - Mam are you okay?

C.C. - I've got it! From now on please refer to be as "Dirty Sanchez".

WTC - "Dirty Sanchez"?

C.C. - Yes, let's just say I like to pull up "shit and put it under peoples noses".

WTC - Dirty Sanchez are you okay? are you on any medication I should be made aware of?

C.C.- No, why?

WTC- Dirty Sanchez, do you mind if I call you Dirty, or Sanzchez ,or DS for short?

C.C. - Yes that would be fine.

WTC - DS, what is your big news?

C.C. - Well....are you sitting down?

WTC - Yes.

C.C.- Well, I've got good reason to believe that someone who qualified for Kona did not use the proper bathroom facilities. That they peed their tri-shorts.

WTC - Excuse me? Is this for real? Am I being "punked"?

C.C. - What? Yes of course this is real. This is a very serious offence. Don't you agree?

WTC - Well Dirty, I'm not even sure if there is a rule against peeing in your tri-shorts?

C.C. - I believe there is. Do you have your USA Triathlon Rules book handy.

WTC- Um, let me look. Can you give me a few moments, I'll have to go down the hall to find a copy.

C.C. - no problem, I've got nothing better to do, just put me on hold.

WTC - Okay Dirty Sanchez, it wasn't easy, but I finally found one. Now what?

C.C. - Well, if you look to section 3.3 General Conduct, specifically 3.3b, you'll see it clearly states "conduct themselves in a manner that is not offensive in any way to fellow participants, spectators, officials or volunteers and is considered reasonable and acceptable in the community".

WTC- Okay??? And what was the problem again?

C.C. He peed his tri-shorts in the change tent.

WTC- Did you see this?

C.C.- No

WTC- Did anyone else see this?

C.C.- Not that I'm aware of.

WTC- Well how do you know someone did it?

C.C. - I read it on his blog.

WTC - Ohhhhh, the old I read it on their blog. How do you know they weren't lying?

C.C.- Well you don't understand, this guy is so open, I can't possibly believe he would lie. I would, but I don't think he would.

WTC- Dirty, let me put you on hold, I just so happen to have the Lake Placid Race Director and Chief Official in the other room and I'm going to ask them if they were aware of "Urine-Gate". Do you want to hold, it may take an hour or so, or would you prefer I call you back?

C.C.- This is more important than anything else in my life, I'll hold.

WTC - Hi Dirty, it's Joe, I'm back.

C.C. Hi Joe, well what did you find out?

WTC- Well unfortunately no one knows anything about it. We had no complaints and the officials saw nothing. Although we did spend some time talking about it in general.

C.C. - Great, do you guys think we can still make a case against him and disqualify him?

WTC - Well I'm not sure we can or want to. Dirty Sanchez I have a question for you, Have you ever done and Ironman?

C.C. - Well no, but I've done some sprints and hope to do a half in the next year or three. But what does it matter if I've done Ironman races, aren't the rules the rules?

WTC- Well, yes and no. You see in an Ironman our goal is to make sure the athletes compete in a fair manner and there is definite things that we are concerned about that we would deem as "cheating". Things like fins in the water, or drafting on the bike or cutting the course on the run and the worst of worst is performance enhancing drugs.

C.C.- Yeah, I agree those are all very important, but come on, you can't let it pass when someone pees in there tri-shorts, your rules say that!!!

WTC- My Dirty Little Sanchez, the rules don't say you can't pee in your tri shorts. If that were a rule, no one would qualify for Kona. As a matter of fact, I'm told that by the end of IMLP, Mirror lake has more pee in it than water.

C.C. But isn't that why you have the underwater divers in the lake? Aren't they checking for pee-ers?

WTC- No Sanchez they aren't. They're there to help in the event that someone drowns.

C.C. Well that sucks, if there not checking for pee-ers, who is?

WTC- Dirty, that's not really a priority for WTC. You see we understand that the Ironman is a long day and a dangerous race. People training long and hard to do an Ironman and on race day things happen. They pee everywhere, before the swim, during, on the bike, off the bike, while they run, at the side of the road. Literally everywhere and all day long. If we DQ'd people for peeing, shitting or puking outside of a porta-pottie, we'd have few finishers.

C.C. That shouldn't be acceptable. Triathletes should be civilized. They train, they should know how to control there bodily functions.

WTC - Dirty Sanchez you're a pill. The one thing you have to understand is Ironman are not normal people. They are the athletic elite. Every woman wants to marry an Ironman and every man wants to be one. These are "thorough breeds", they have one goal on their mind and that's to finish as fast as they can and against all adversity. It's definitely more of a pee party, than a tee party.

C.C. - But isn't it cheating when they pee their tri-shorts. I think it's very "offensive" and the rules say the conduct can't be "offensive". Right?

WTC- Dirty Sanchez, what's the color of the sky in your world? Hold on let me guess, "black and white"?

C.C. YES. Very Good. I can tell you and I are really clicking. You're one of the few people that "get me".

WTC - Well DS, as much as I want to help you I can't. No one complained, no one saw it, it didn't hurt anyone and it's something everyone does. It's as natural to triathlon as "gas is to car racing". Actually Dirty, pee is the least of our concerns, we have athletes doing all kinds of things in their tri-shorts. I wish everyone just peed.

C.C. - Joe, I understand, but there's more. I can tell you "get me" and I must say, "Urine-gate" is just the tip of the ice-berg with this guy.

WTC- What do you mean?

C.C.- Well, me, your dirty little sanchez has been reading this guys blogs for a long time and I've infiltrated deep into his mind and I realize he has sinister motives and the sport of triathlon is in peril.

WTC- DS, are you sure you're not on medication? or did you forget taking some?

C.C. No, why? Anyways, this guy is a black eye to the sport of triathlon.

WTC - What do you mean?

C.C. - Well first off, he smokes cigars.

WTC - And?

C.C. - AND?! don't you get it, it's not good for you. What if he starts getting other triathletes to smoke? I actually saw a video he took at Ironman China and there was a Japanese guy across from his bike smoking a cigarette as he was getting his bike ready. That's got to be this guy's influence. Also now that I think of it, shouldn't that Japanese guy been disqualified as well for being "offensive"?

WTC - Geez DS to the best of my knowledge we didn't get any complains on the Japanese guy smoking in the transition zone in China either.

C.C. - Anyways, getting back to this guy, he also drinks lots of beer and stays up late.

WTC - And what wrong with that?

C.C. - Well he's not following the rules. Not only does he smoke cigars, drink to much beer, and stay up all night, he also doesn't taper the way his coach tells him he should. And his coach is Mark Allen. Can you believe that?

WTC- Dirty Sanchez, what' your point?

C.C.- Joe, this guy is not colouring between the lines. He a maverick. I've followed the rules my whole life and this guy hasn't and he shouldn't be allowed to have so much fun or be able to qualify for Kona or have the great family and friends that he has. He's just not following the rules!!! It's just not fair!!!!!!!!

WTC - Dirty it sounds that you're right, he's not following the rules. But he's not "cheating" either. Unless I'm missing something.

C.C. - Well I think he's starting to spread Neo-Nazi propaganda throughout the triathlon community!!!

WTC - WHAT????? Are you for real???

C.C. - Yes, I have proof. He started this PFG triathlon club. He says it stands for Previously Fat Guys Triathlon Club, but I think it really means Proudly Facist Guys Triathlon Club. He even wears a Captains hat and salutes the spectators as he does his races. He's up to no good, I can just feel it. He even has a large full size cardboard cutout of the captain and has late night meetings in his man cave. They go on till all hours of the morning and the music is much to loud according to his City bylaws.

WTC- Dirty Sanchez, we at the WTC take every complaint seriously, I'm going to call this person your talking about and ask him about his behaviour. What's his name?

C.C. - It's "Training Payne".

WTC - Do you have his contact number?

C.C. - Oh yes, I have it all, he's very open, I'm sure if you need his fax number I could get that very easily too.

WTC - No the phone number will be fine. Now, I'm going to give Mr. Payne a call and I'll call you back.

C.C. - No, I'll wait on hold.

WTC - But Dirty, this could take a few days?

C.C. - That's okay, I've got nothing better to do.

WTC - Okay, but are you sure you don't want me to just take down your number and call or email you back?

C.C.- No, no, I don't disclose my personal information and I don't have a computer. I usually just got to different libraries in disguise and use different IP addresses to spread my "death seeds" across cyberspace.

WTC - Whatever. Okay please hold.

WTC - Hello Dirty Sanchez are you still there?

C.C. - yes I'm here. That was fast, you only took 9 days to get back to me.

WTC - My Dirty Little Sanchez, I don't know what to do with you. I followed up with Training Payne. Good Guy actually. I asked him some questions and rather than answer, he felt it would be best for me to come to his place and have a face to face meeting. Which I did.

C.C.- Great. And did you nail him. Did you leave and take away his Kona spot. Did you sneak some DNA samples to see if it matches any pee on the chairs that were in the transition tent?

WTC - Well no. It didn't go like that.

C.C. - How'd it go?

WTC - Well, it's all a bit of a blur, but I had a great time. I've never laughed so hard or partied so much. Your right, he smokes, drinks, has an unorthodox training lifestyle, eats poorly and basically doesn't do anything within the traditional rule set. He is definitely not part of the "lemming" family. I could see why the two of you are so different. Although, I must say, I love his Kegerator. Great fun. Ah!!!!

C.C.- What about the peeing? What about the peeing? Did he admit to peeing?

WTC - Dirty, I didn't ask him, it's a stupid question and even if he did, it wasn't cheating. If I tried to disqualify a guy for peeing in his tri-shorts the WTC would have a public relations nightmare on our hands. We'd never be able to live that one down. It's a ridiculous thing to even think about investigating. Sorry Dirty.

C.C. - He got to you! I knew it!! He now has the WTC under his vulcan mind meld. This guy is evil. Don't you see he's the Anti-Christ?!?!?!

WTC - Dirty please don't call the WTC anymore. Respectfully get a life and if you have this much time on your hands, train more. I think it will be more productive for you.

C.C - Come on Joe, you gotta leave me with something? I can't leave empty handed after all this work?

WTC - Dirty Sanchez your right, we can't leave you with nothing. I've spoken to the higher ups and we've decided to make you a member of our new IronDumb Club. Right now you're the only member, but I'm sure over time you'll have plenty of company. Right now we're working on an application for a Mr. John Proc.

C.C. - Yippy, I love it!! I've never been accepted into a club before. I've always wanted to be a member of a club. Any club. I can see my business card now - Dirty Sanchez, President of the IronDumb club. Joe, how can I ever repay you.

WTC - Never contact me again.

Tempo Swim - 1:04:00 / 3000 meters

Weights - 30 minutes

Tempo Bike - 1:35:38 / 49.89 km / 31.3 kph / 139 avg hr