Shaky to Shitty...

Seven days ago, I woke us with the shakes from drinking one to many beers. Not typical for a triathlete or a guy that doesn't live in a cardboard box.

Fast forward seven days and 442 km's of swimming, biking and running and two weight training session later. The shakes are gone and so is my strength and speed, especially on the bike.

Life is full of mysteries. How were the pyramids build? How and why was Stonehenge built? How is Keith Richards still alive? Why does Richard Simmons still wear 80's shorts? And, why can't you predict how you're training will effect your strength or speed on any given week?

Right now, I feel like I'm going backwards. The more I train, the slower I seem to be getting. Although my moderate run today was "pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty.... good" (Larry David Voice). My tempo bike "sucked" more than the movie "Battlefield Earth".

I was talking to Jamie yesterday and he's having chronic problems with his gears on his Cervelo P3, they slip. He HATES his bike and almost fulfilled a fantasy of "pounding it into the ground into a small ball" the other day. The gears slipped, the chain came off on the hills of number one side road, he got pissed off and raised his bike over his head and was seconds away from "beating it into the asphalt". That's kind of how I felt today.

The difference is I didn't want to beat my bike into the ground, but I wanted to "slap around" my legs. They are beyond flat. I can't even get them pumping hard enough to get my heart rate up. My heart is stronger than my legs and I'm missing the feeling of riding "fast".

Today was the most "disgusting tempo ride" of my life and I was only able to average 30 kph. I don't even want to refer to it as a "tempo ride", it was a "Tinkerbell ride".

To make matters worse, the weather SUCKS!!! It was cold, windy and rainy all day. After my run, I was exhausted. I was happy with my run time for a moderate effort, but exhausted. I DID NOT want to go on my bike ride. I just wanted to lie down and fall asleep, which I did briefly.

I then pulled a "no-brainer". I got up "without thinking", put on my cycling gear, got on the bike and started riding. The minute I got out the door it started "spitting rain". Here I was, riding in the cold, the rain, the grey sky and wind and thinking, "Who's idea was it to set a goal and qualify for Kona in October? Who ever it was, they're an IDIOT!!!

Qualifying for Kona sounds so sexy, until you have to train for it in cool fall weather. The upside of my ride was I met someone new. As I was finishing my tempo ride, an older than me gentleman pulled up beside me and we started talking. His name was Rob and he's the President of the Oakville Cycling Club and it turns out he lives not far from me in my neighbourhood.

Rob asked me if I was training for anything and I said, "Kona". I told him "I wasn't having my best day and I'm sick of long rides, I've done 21 Century's since January and a couple more to come". He asked me if they were "Metric Centuries?" I said no, "they're Real Centuries".

As a sidebar, I've been meaning to bring this up on the blog for sometime, "who came up with this Metric Century Bullshit?" To me, a "Century is a Century", it's a 100 MILE bike ride. Somewhere along the line someone came up with a "Metric Century". That's like saying I did a "Metric Marathon" of 26.2 km.

It hasn't been the first time I've had to qualify that I did an "Imperial Century" versus a "Metric Century". I'd like to start a movement to eliminate the word "Metric Century" from the human vocabulary.

Just because someone does 100 km bike ride, they shouldn't be able to "pound their chests and use the word Century to describe their effort". It was only 100 km, if they continued, it's the following 60 km's that separate the "men from the boys".

Here's what I'd like to see, if you ride 100 km and someone asks you what you did, you should reply, "I did 100 km". If you did a 100 miles, you can reply, "I did a Century ride". With technology the way it is nowadays, I'd like to suggest the following approach to banishing the "metric Century" phrase.

I suggest we all purchase Tasers and put them in the back of our cycling Jerseys and the minute someone says they did a "Metric Century" we pull it out and Taz them.

OR, if you are into non-violence, I'd suggest that when someone says, "I did a Metric Century", you immediately follow it up with, "you mean a PUSSY Century?" That should put a halt to the use of "Metric Century" real quick. If it doesn't, you'll have no choice but to use the Taser.

If people want to call a 100 km ride a "Half Century", or a "School Girl Century", or a "I've fallen and I can't get up Century", or a "Matty O Century", or a "I had to quit early because my wife won't let me ride that long Century". I'm cool with any of those options, but PLEASE don't call 100 km ride, a "Century Ride".

Needless to say, after I got home, I rewarded myself with a few post-training beers. I had to give my Kegerator some love. For those pet lover's out there you'll know what I mean. You don't buy a dog and not walk it and you don't buy a Kegerator and not pour from it. If I didn't take it for a "pull" on a regular basis it would be just plain "cruel".

Yesterday I heard back from the Guinness Book of World Records regarding my application for the "Beer Marathon". I applied to create a new category where you run a marathon and drink a beer at every mile. Twenty six miles equals twenty six beers. They rejected my application and send the following letter.

Claim ID: 320325
Membership Number: 281691

Dear Mr Bryan Payne,

Thank you for sending us the details of your recent record attempt for 'Beer Marathon'. We are afraid to say that we are unable to accept this as a Guinness World Record.

We receive over 60,000 enquiries a year from which only a small proportion are approved by our experienced researchers to establish new categories. These are not 'made up' to suit an individual proposal, but rather 'evolve' as a result of international competition in a field, which naturally accommodates superlatives of the sort that we are interested in. We think you will appreciate that we are bound to favour those that reflect the greatest interest.

Guinness World Records has absolute discretion as to which Guinness World Record applications are accepted and our decision is final. Guinness World Records may at its discretion and for whatever reason identify some records as either no longer monitored by Guinness World Records or no longer viable.

As your record application has not been accepted, Guinness World Records is in no way associated with the activity relating to your record proposal and we in no way endorse this activity. If you choose to proceed with this activity then this is will be of your own volition and at your own risk.

Once again thank you for your interest in Guinness World Records.

Yours sincerely,

Marco Frigatti
Records Management Team

It normally takes 4 -6 weeks for them to get back to you regarding your application. You can pay $400 pounds and have them fast track it in 3 days, I decided to wait. It only took them one week to say "NO"!!! It appears it was an "easy decision" to reject the idea.

What I don't get is they have people that stick swords down their throats or break bricks with their heads and they won't condone my risky efforts or think it has a broad enough base of contestants?

Well I won't be undeterred. If I listened to everyone that said I'm crazy, I wouldn't have have went to Summer school and met all the "good looking and dumb girls", for 3 years straight.

So here is what I'm doing, I'm doing it anyways. I've already got Adena, Rodney, Jamie and Matty committed to be my support crew and now all I need to find is a marathon to crash and do it on. I've got my thinking cap on and it will happen after NYC Marathon in November or early Spring.

I have realized that my whole life has come down to this moment. They say everyone has is "natural talent" at something. I've been blessed with the ability to drink a LOT of beer and run a LONG way. It's a "gift" really. I can combine excessive drinking and with endurance activities. It's taken almost 45 years, but I truly feel I've found my calling.

One last thing. Today was Alyssa's first day of University. She's going to Ryerson, which is downtown Toronto. I took a picture of her leaving the house.

Alice and I are so proud of her, she's the first in our family unit that is going University. Alice and I only graduated High School. I don't envy her going for MORE years of schooling, but I'm darn proud that she has the smarts to do it.

She's taking Psychology and if there was any subject that Alice and I love, it's Psychology. As a matter of fact, I met Alice in a high school Psychology class. It was the only class I ever applied myself at and got the highest marks in the class. I even beat out the smartest Japanese kid in the school, knowing that is better than the trophy I got for top in the class.

Knowing Alyssa, she'll go for a doctorate and drive me into the poor house. It's a double edge sword, "dumb kid=save money" or "smart kid=spend money".

Mod Run - 1:35:01 / 18.72 km / 5:03 km avg / 134 avg hr

Tempo Bike - 1:28:21 / 44.25 km / 30 km avg

8