Sucking it up...

Thanks for all the words of support and encouragement to help me get my "Mojo" back. When you set a PB for beers in a single month, you know someones up, down or both.

When I posted yesterday's picture, that was for ME. I never want to go back to being THAT guy. It wasn't a fond memory. I was hoping by posting it, it would help "snap me out of my funk".

At one time I couldn't look at my "fat guy" photo's, now I don't mind posting them. It shows what's possible and I'm proud of what I accomplished and don't want to go back to being him.

I started the day off "weak" and ended "strong". I went to the Y for an early morning swim and only managed 600 meters. I was lucky to even force myself into the building. I drove slowly around the parking lot, looking for one of the few available spots and considering if I should even go in. I did, but obviously not for long.

There's been a work project I've been putting off for sometime and as I was swimming I made a deal with myself that I could "quit" the swim if I committed to finishing the next required step to move this project forward.

I took the deal. I thought it was a fair one, my future depends on successfully moving this along and I wasn't "giving up the swim to doing nothing, the work task was an equality unpleasant task". I was just trading one necessary evil for another. At least that's how I justified it in my mind.

Throughout the day I was getting supportive comments about yesterday's blog post, which really helped lift my spirits. The spirit of the messages were "no kidding your stressed with everything that has gone on" and "we know you'll overcome this" and Simon's soliloquy "don't be a pussy".

I did end up completing the next phase of the project. I was reviewing, testing and noting programming changes for a website. It was bitter sweet. I spent over three hours doing it and mistakenly didn't save the word document and lost two-thirds of the bugs I found. I NEVER not save!!!

I was furious. I worked so hard and now I had to effectively start over. This morning I woke up irritable and now I was beyond irritable, "I was major league pissed off". It was NOT a good scene. I was working from the kitchen table and I was getting frustrated with Alice moving around and Alyssa asking me a question.

I snapped at both of them. I was like, "I can't work with you walking around and making noise! Don't ask me a question, can't you see I'm busy! I need to work from the basement where I'll have peace! Uggggggghhhh!

I was mentally drained from over three hours of intense testing and I was upset from losing most of my work. To cope in a positive way, I decided to force myself out of the house and go for my scheduled moderate run.

It took 20 minutes into the run and the endorphins started to kick in and I started to "unwind". Then I started to think, "What's really bugging me? It's got to be something deeper and when I figure it out, what am I going to do about it? How am I going to solve this problem?"

As I ran, I started exploring those questions. I came up with a "theory", and I think I'm probably right, but I need more "training time" to explore it deeper. Essentially, I think it's me coming to grips with starting a complete lifestyle change. Mentally, I haven't yet got my head wrapped around it.

Earlier in the day, I had a conversation with a competitor that I've regularly touched base with over the years. He said he could tell I'm "disorientated". I was surprised he picked up on that. He said, "It must be tough to go from 20 years of being in charge to not being in charge. He also didn't know if I'd be able to work from home, if it suited my personality".

I had lots to think about on my run. The one thing I know about me is that "I can turn on a dime". If the average person needs a month to work through a problem, I need less than a week, sometimes only a day. I'm more comfortable in "action mode" than I am in "dwell mode".

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Although, I've always thought if you make a mistake, just adjust quickly and reverse it or learn from it and move on.

To me, I've always said, "Motion is lotion". On my run, I started to visualize what actions I'd need to take. In actual fact, I spent most of my run "visualizing" my new life and what would be required moving into the future.

I was thinking, "How am I now going to balance my career, training and family priorities in my new reality? What was my new life going to have to look like? What would I be needing to do on a daily basis? What mentality and attitude am I going have to carry moving forward? What am I going to be doing a year or two down the road? How long is it going to take for me to regain a personal comfort level?"

I came back with one thought, it's going to require "learning, being smart and working hard". I can't be complacent. What I'll be doing down the road will be based on my current behaviour. I also came back with an action plan, "I need to get back to basic time management and goal setting. I need to make the most of everyday and track that I'm moving in the right direction".

By the time I got back from my run I was "tolerant". I wasn't Zen, but I was much better. I felt good about today, I felt like I accomplished something and I was getting closer to understanding and solving my challenges.

It wasn't a perfect day, after dinner, I still had to go for comfort food at Baskin Robbins for their version of a "Dairy Queen blizzard" and I needed a nap, but I felt like I'm moving in the right direction. I put the day in the positive category.

Speed swim - 12:51 / 600 meters

Mod Run - 1:25:31 / 16.35 km / 5:13 pace