I can't say enough good things about the supportive feedback I got from yesterday's post.I was emotionally DOWN about my performance at Ironman China, and wrote about it. It's amazing the difference a day can make. Originally, I was going to ask that no one send me supportive comments, I didn't want to hear them.
I figured they'd just be kind hearted, "get well soon and best of luck gestures". At the last minute, I decided not to add that request. My thought was, "I don't put restrictions on my blog writing, so why restrict anyone from making comments if they want to add them".
I'm so glad I didn't ask for "no comments please". The comments I got were amazing. Not at all what I expected. They were far from empty gestures.
The first one I got was from John Fortin and it was the first to start "snapping" me out of my funk. I knew John's comments were seriously prepared, ne one spelling er germer msitick. I mean "not one spelling or grammar mistake".
I was on the way to the airport to pick up my family and comments started flooding in, as I read them, my mood started to change immediately. Never would I ever have imagined that in a matter of hours, my mood could change so dramatically. At least not without good drugs.
In my "wallowing", I didn't realize that yesterday's post was my 800th. I guess it's only fitting that number 800 was emotional, meaningful and memorable. The comments back were "PURE WISDOM EXTRAORDINAIRE".
Before I discuss some of the "hitting home" comments, I want to share some relevant data. In the last 30 days, my blog had 4,675 hits and 1,412 unique visitors and is growing at 57.14% per month. The post with the most daily hits was "An Anonymous Rant..." regarding CC (Cowardly Commentator). It had 394 hits. The previous record was Ironman China race day with 363 hits.
By the growth of my blog, I guess people must be getting something out of it that keeps them coming back. I'm humbled, and primarily surprised. In a weird way, knowing others are following me, I don't feel alone in my journeys. It's like I've got a built in support group that keep me honest.
Not only am I being followed, but I'm following others. It's a real and genuine sense of community. The best part is none of us have to show up for meetings, or get dressed up, or chew with our mouth's closed. (Frankly, I'm now thinking this "Internet thing" may be here to stay" (insert laugh here).
Yesterday, an unexpected personal benefit came to "roost".
Anything I've posted on the blog that may have helped or brought entertainment to others, I got back yesterday. I got Karma in "spades" and I really want to thank everyone who posted their comments. I got hit with a beautiful "Velvet Hammer" that straightened me out. Some of the phrases that "resonated immediately" were as follows:
"If John (Barclay) had forced himself to keep going and ended up doing permanent damage, you'd be calling him an ass".
"part of wanting to play with the pro's is dealing with defeat like a pro!"
"we can't have a PB after every race".
"you have had a bad one, first one since you are back as a triathlete".
"better days, and better Ironmans are coming".
"you can't change it".
"you don't have any career halting injuries, and in my book that means you got away easy!"
"(decision) was the right one".
"great push broom moustache" - A good laugh. And NO, I checked with Alice , NO moustache allowed. But Reid is prepared to "pinch hit" and grow the stache, in 3 or 4 years it should naturally look like the photo above. In the meantime, he's improvised.
"you can't go back, no do overs, look straight ahead"
"what if you had pushed on and ended up doing permanent damage to your kidneys and could never race again? Worth it?"
"You said once that Ironman should be a journey and not a destination"
"Concentrate on your next Ironman race instead of wallowing in the past".
"You are feeling normal - you didn't finish a huge goal"
"Don't underestimate the long term effects of jet lag".
"if your not making mistakes, your not learning, and if you're not learning, your not doing anything worth while".
"Your around to try again, that's the right result regardless of the decision".
"Everything happens for a reason"
"Something will happen that will change your life or you will touch and inspire someone else on your journey towards IMSG".
"Don't Dwell on it now, leave that to talking to your great grand kids"
"Use that will power for a positive focus".
"The entire Roosevelt Quote" (I'm not sure if the quote is from President Roosevelt or the profile Roosevelt. Either way, I'm going to print it out and put it on my wall).
"I felt depressed, ashamed, a failure, I felt I disgraced. Still lingering with me today. Your so right about the pain of not finishing"
"Time is a great healer"
"Use the lessons of China"
"I was scared, lost my self belief and confidence, worried and took the race with a different attitude and learned more in that race than I had in 8 previous Ironmans".
"stop being a big softies, get over it".
"There are two types of Ironman, those that have DNF'd and those that haven't done enough Ironmans".
"you better appreciate the choice, thumb cramps or beer".
"Word verification - Shine".
"A tired body equals a tired mind and that's when feelings of melancholy will begin to flutter across your consciousness".
"Chill out, train when you feel like it, nurse yourself back".
THANKS FOR WORDS OF WISDOM. I'M FEELING MUCH BETTER AND BACK ON TRACK.
Because the advice was so great, I've included them in their entirety below. I've done it for selfish reasons. I know I'm probably going to want to read these over and over again and I want to be able to find them easier. It also want to ensure they all get printed in next years book.
Rest & Recovery - Massage / No Training
177.6 lbs / 21.7 BMI
3
Posts
Great post Bryan! Think about the number of years that Chris has raced and the number of events that he has likely had to drop out of. Some for health, others because it was not his day! YEARS of races, he has the experience to deal with that failure! Don't beat yourself up for something that you have admitted was for the right reasons! If John had forced himself to keep going and ended up doing permanent damage, you would be calling him an ass and telling him he was stupid to do, he should have know better! Part of wanting to play with the pro' is dealing with defeat like a pro! We can't all have a PB race after race, sooner or later we have one that is a lesson. As you have said yourself!
Sorry about the 'tough love' response! But, you have had a bad one, first one since you are back as a triathlete, learn from it and move on! You have a race in 7-8 weeks, you dont have time to sit and think what you should have done, you cant change it! Look forward and control what you can! Get some rest, stretch a it, you have a lot of tough workouts ahead of you before an awesome race in Utah! Cheers
March 22, 2010 6:55 PM
Hang in there B, hang in there. Better days and Ironmans are coming.
March 22, 2010 6:58 PM
Hey Brian,
It's ok to dwell on our past, and probably quite normal. It'd be crazy not to re-evaluate our past choices. Of course it doesn't change anything, and because we are not robots, no future situation will be exactly the same as this one, which prevents a decision from being programmed into the computer because next time the script will be different. I think most of us are glad you didn't try to finish, and we would argue you made the most sensible decision you could. Again, it's probably normal to dwell on this. Just make sure you give yourself a break from dwell time once in a while or it could drive you nuts. Example, rather than spending an hour in a 'dwell-down' with yourself, find a book and decide to read one chapter, at the end of the chapter, if you still want to beat yourself with the 'what ifs?' go for it. Repeat as necessary. If nothing else, you'll given yourself mental and physical break that will be beneficial.
I dropped out of my 17th consecutive twin cities marathon due to injury, and haven't been able to race fuch less for years. I'm finally getting that sorted out. My point is, you don't have any career halting injuries, and in my book that means you got away easy!
Free advice from @ree_ti_ree
March 22, 2010 8:09 PM
Briliant post. I've been reading your blog for a few months, but this one touched one critical point to me, quiting. I hope I have never to make a decision like yours (what was the right one), but if i'm faced to such a decision, I'll remember this post ;-)
Regards,
Rafael
March 22, 2010 9:10 PM
B-
After the previous two days posts with old pictures of that Great pushbroom moustache you used to sport perhaps you miss that old stache... and need to bring it back for IMSG?!?
-D
March 22, 2010 9:55 PM
B - I don't have any great advice, you've already got loads here. I will say as you know, you can't go back, no do overs. Look straight ahead, don't let this mind fuck you into long term doubt. It happened, you made the right decision and that decision was physician approved. I hope you get your mojo back quick. I had that victory beer in your honour regardless.
Want me to post some Cher videos? (If I could turn back tiiiiime)
Cheers! A ;-)
March 22, 2010 10:18 PM
STOP.
You almost went in to kidney failure. The conditions of the race (and food poisoning) were out of your control. I know it feels shitty (I DNF'd my first Half Iron in Morden) but live to race another day.
What if you had pushed on and ended up doing permanent damage to your kidneys and could never race again? Would that have been worth it?
IM China will always be there to take your revenge on - do not beat yourself up over conditions that you had no control over. I have no questions that if you had been healthy, you would have kicked ass.
Rest up, heal up for your next race and prove to yourself that you are good enough (we already know that).
Colleen
March 22, 2010 10:38 PM
C’mon B., you’d take the risk of "dialysis" to finish? You’d consider doing a lot of damage, maybe even permanent damage to your body, just to finish an Ironman? I mean, what would be the point? You already finished an Ironman. I think that you need to get over this. It is not even such a big deal, unless you make it so.
You said once that Ironman should be a journey and not a destination. I guess that you should ask yourself if that’s still the case for you.
Last year I had my first (Half) Ironman at Muskoka and I fell off the bike after 92 Km, with only 2 Km left to the transition area. I ended up in the hospital, luckily with nothing serious and I had to pay $800 in order to fix my bike. I was upset, but after the initial shock I realized that I was actually lucky that I’m still healthy and I get to have another chance to finish my first Ironman.
You should be happy, too, that you have plenty of other chances left to qualify to Kona. So, start concentrating on your next Ironman race instead of wallowing in the past.
March 22, 2010 10:51 PM
You are feeling normal - you didn't finish a huge goal. Take the time to go through the sadness and then move on.
You made the right decision - just think how you might feel right now if you did finish.
Also, don't underestimate the long term effects of jet lag.
I do like DR Dogs suggestion :)
Beth
March 22, 2010 11:00 PM
I don't blame you for questioning your decision - you're human and you strive to be better each day. Yeah, it sucks you didn't finish. But you ensured that you (a) could still be with your family and (b) sign up for more. Personally, I believe you made the right decision.
But if it was the wrong one - so what? I had a prof in Engineering that told me "if you're not making mistakes, you're not learning, and if you're not learning, you're not doing anything worth while."
Whether you were right or wrong, you're around to try again. For me, that's the right result regardless of the decision.
March 22, 2010 11:28 PM
B
It's so hard to DNF and you will question your decision but on the day you made the right one.
We need to make our decisions on the spot and don't have a rehearseal or take two on a decision. That's the fun part of life, and everything happen with a reason.
If you finished IMC you wouldn't have entered for IM St George, and something will happen that will change your life or you will touch and inspire someone else on your journey towards IM St George.
Keep it up
J
March 23, 2010 5:53 AM
I can see where you are coming from, I have that nit picking event performance personality type too. No matter what others say, even medical professionals it will come back to your thoughts again and again. If you let it, it will become a great open sore that holds you back.
DON'T DWELL ON IT NOW! Leave that for when you are maudling in your cups at age 96, talking to your great grand kids... ;)
Get out the course map, and plan how you can have a great time at IM Utah. Use that willpower for a positive focus.
March 23, 2010 6:15 AM
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
March 23, 2010 6:19 AM
I haven't read everyone else's comments as they'll be sensible and supportive, I'm sure. I'm just going to be brutally honest.
I feel I have the credentials and permission to do that as I've been there - as you know in 2005 IMMY only had 40 entrants due to a legal issue and there were 35 Hawaii slots - if you finished you qualified. It was my 7th Ironman but my first (and only, so far) DNF.
I had very mild food poisoning two days before (very MILD, nothing like what you had) and I felt totally recovered the day before the race. However, after at least 30mins in T1 I dragged myself onto the bike but had to keep stopping and lying down, T2 was worse especially when the winner came and finished just a few metres away.
I planned to hobble & crawl if necessary around the run and make the 17hr cut off. At just over half way my wife found me staggering along in the dark and screamed at me to stop, I collapsed and an ambulance took me off the course. The fact that she and the medical team made that decision should make the DNF easier to deal with than you but I promise you it did/does not. I felt depressed, ashamed, a failure, I felt I'd disgraced myself. Sadly I have to say there are still remnants of those feeling of that day still lingering with me today. You're so right about the pain of not finishing.
I doubt I would have got much further if my wife hadn't found me but I'll never know. No one will ever know whether you would have been able to finish or how much damage you would have done to yourself trying - what is done is done and there's nothing you can do about it now except say "Oh well ay!" And work on moving on.
So here are my words of wisdom, there are two things you must embrace: -
1)Time is a great healer BUT... To work you must give time - TIME
2)You must get back on the horse (but not blindly - use the lessons of China)
After I DNF'd I was already scheduled to do IMSA (South Africa). I was scared, I'd lost my self belief and confidence, I was worried I didn't have another finish in me. So I took on the race with a different attitude from my usual bravado. I ate and slept before the race sensibly (out of fear), I did the swim conservatively (out of fear), I did the bike conservatively (unheard of but out of fear), my nutrition and hydration was spot on (out of fear) and this resulted in me running most of the marathon (never done before) and crushing my personal best (all out of fear of DNFing again). I learned more in that race (out of fear) than I had in 8 previous Ironmans.
You have Utah and Lake Placid to exorcise the ghosts of China so recover and then do the smart training, make the right decisions, learn from your mistakes and go have two awesome races - NO REGRETS.
So in conclusion, stop being such a big softie, get over it (say it with me - "Oh well ay!") And don't forget my Ironman season is over, I'm relying on you to live my dreams. We both are investing in you so don't let "us" down.
Here are a couple of little gems to leave you with: -
There are two kinds of cyclists, those that have crashed and those that are going to crash.
There are two types of Ironman, those that have DNF'd and those that haven't done enough Ironmans.
I hope this helps, I'm in Thailand at the moment so this is on my Blackberry, I typed it once then accidently deleted it. It was a choice of doing it again and getting thumb cramps or going for a belly full of beer - you better appreciate the choice - I'm now going for those beers with very sore thumbs.
Ps the word verification was "shine"
March 23, 2010 6:39 AM
Relax buddy. you did what was right at the time. Nobody thinks worse of you for it and neither should you. Move forwards but get plenty of rest. A tired body equals a tired mind and that's when the feelings of melancholy will begin to flutter across your consciousness. Chill out, train when you feel like it and nurse yourself back to physical and mental health.
J.
March 23, 2010 10:47 AM