For the past three nights, I've been exhausted. Last night was the worst. I fell asleep on the sofa around 8 pm and didn't even have the energy to call Alice in Palm Springs beforehand. Even when I woke up at midnight, I wasn't going to call, but eventually got enough energy to dial the phone and we talked briefly before I went upstairs to bed.
Today was the toughest day I've had since Ironman China. I started off okay, I did an awesome job of cleaning the kitchen and doing all the wash. The only thing I forgot, was to put the "bounce" sheet into the dryer. Lots of static energy afterward. I was quite proud of my work. I can now understand why having a clean house feels good.
As I was cleaning, doing laundry and picking things up, I was moving fast. I was happy with my progress when I felt a twinge in my back. Damn! I know what that is, my back just went out. "Deep breaths, deep breaths, slow down" was my self talk. Then I started to feel a cold sore coming on. I put some prescription cream on it and as of now, I seemed to have recessed.
The toughest part of today was I was tired and melancholy. I was productive at work, but I just can't get Ironman China out of my mind. I'm now starting to question if I did the right thing by stopping. Had I known how BAD I'd feel days afterwards, I don't think I wouldn't have stopped. I would have risked it and kept going until I was taken off the course by a third party. That's how bad I feel. It's an overwhelming feeling of failure and disappointment.
I wasn't even mentally prepared for not finishing. Never in a million years would I have thought that would happen. I wished I hadn't even started the race, it probably would have easier to emotionally deal with. I keep looking my time and I had almost 7 hours left to "walk" 25 kilometers. I keep doubting myself, maybe I just wasn't "mentally" tough enough to keep going. As time passes, that moment in time during the race becomes less and less vivid and my guilty feelings grow and grow.
I see that Chris McCormick seems to have moved on, why can't I? Physically, I've consistently felt weak after China. Emotionally I'm strong one day and weak the next. I keep playing the moment I stepped off the course in my mind over and over. I SO MUCH WISH I COULD GET A REDO!!!!
Had I known how much having to drop out was going to mentally torture me, I most definitely wouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have started or I shouldn't have quit.
My problem is I "dwell" on things. Every once in a while, I'll make a decision and "dwell" on whether it was the right one or not. It's not often, but when I do, it drives Alice crazy. This "doubt" is the first one that has "hurt".
It is hard to describe or for someone to understand, unless maybe "you've been there". Prior to experiencing it myself, I wouldn't have fully understood the pain and anguish one feels after not finishing an Ironman. I'd be logical and console and support that person and explain why they made the right decision. Which everyone has been to me, and I appreciate. But it still hurts, it's a soulful hurt and right now I can't seem to shake it.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time, I'd now take the risk of "dialysis" to finish. Just thinking about how I feel right now, brings tear welling emotions. "I was so close to finishing. I had 7 hours to do 25 km's". Doubt, doubt, doubt.
I've never in business or my personal life ever felt this heavy sense of "failure". I felt like I quit. I didn't "suck it up". Having food poisoning made it an easier decision and justifiable to quit, but had I known how bad I'd feel by quitting, I never would have done it. Never.
My advice to myself moving forward or anyone else - NEVER QUIT AN IRONMAN, IT'S TOO PAINFUL. I never fully understood, in my being, what the phrase "Pain is temporary, Quitting is forever" really meant. I do now. I'll never quit again.
I have no idea how stop acute feeling of failure and anguish. Maybe it's just post training blues...I don't know. I guess time will tell.
Recovery Day - No Training.
178.4 / 19.9% BMI
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17 comments:
Great post Bryan! Think about the number of years that Chris has raced and the number of events that he has likely had to drop out of. Some for health, others because it was not his day! YEARS of races, he has the experience to deal with that failure! Don't beat yourself up for something that you have admitted was for the right reasons! If John had forced himself to keep going and ended up doing permanent damage, you would be calling him an ass and telling him he was stupid to do, he should have know better! Part of wanting to play with the pro' is dealing with defeat like a pro! We can't all have a PB race after race, sooner or later we have one that is a lesson. As you have said yourself!
Sorry about the 'tough love' response! But, you have had a bad one, first one since you are back as a triathlete, learn from it and move on! You have a race in 7-8 weeks, you dont have time to sit and think what you should have done, you cant change it! Look forward and control what you can! Get some rest, stretch a it, you have a lot of tough workouts ahead of you before an awesome race in Utah! Cheers
Hang in there B, hang in there. Better days and Ironmans are coming.
Hey Brian,
It's ok to dwell on our past, and probably quite normal. It'd be crazy not to re-evaluate our past choices. Of course it doesn't change anything, and because we are not robots, no future situation will be exactly the same as this one, which prevents a decision from being programmed into the computer because next time the script will be different. I think most of us are glad you didn't try to finish, and we would argue you made the most sensible decision you could. Again, it's probably normal to dwell on this. Just make sure you give yourself a break from dwell time once in a while or it could drive you nuts. Example, rather than spending an hour in a 'dwell-down' with yourself, find a book and decide to read one chapter, at the end of the chapter, if you still want to beat yourself with the 'what ifs?' go for it. Repeat as necessary. If nothing else, you'll given yourself mental and physical break that will be beneficial.
I dropped out of my 17th consecutive twin cities marathon due to injury, and haven't been able to race fuch less for years. I'm finally getting that sorted out. My point is, you don't have any career halting injuries, and in my book that means you got away easy!
Free advice from @ree_ti_ree
Briliant post. I've been reading your blog for a few months, but this one touched one critical point to me, quiting. I hope I have never to make a decision like yours (what was the right one), but if i'm faced to such a decision, I'll remember this post ;-)
Regards,
Rafael
B-
After the previous two days posts with old pictures of that Great pushbroom moustache you used to sport perhaps you miss that old stache... and need to bring it back for IMSG?!?
-D
B - I don't have any great advice, you've already got loads here. I will say as you know, you can't go back, no do overs. Look straight ahead, don't let this mind fuck you into long term doubt. It happened, you made the right decision and that decision was physician approved. I hope you get your mojo back quick. I had that victory beer in your honour regardless.
Want me to post some Cher videos? (If I could turn back tiiiiime)
Cheers! A ;-)
STOP.
You almost went in to kidney failure. The conditions of the race (and food poisoning) were out of your control. I know it feels shitty (I DNF'd my first Half Iron in Morden) but live to race another day.
What if you had pushed on and ended up doing permanent damage to your kidneys and could never race again? Would that have been worth it?
IM China will always be there to take your revenge on - do not beat yourself up over conditions that you had no control over. I have no questions that if you had been healthy, you would have kicked ass.
Rest up, heal up for your next race and prove to yourself that you are good enough (we already know that).
Colleen
C’mon B., you’d take the risk of "dialysis" to finish? You’d consider doing a lot of damage, maybe even permanent damage to your body, just to finish an Ironman? I mean, what would be the point? You already finished an Ironman. I think that you need to get over this. It is not even such a big deal, unless you make it so.
You said once that Ironman should be a journey and not a destination. I guess that you should ask yourself if that’s still the case for you.
Last year I had my first (Half) Ironman at Muskoka and I fell off the bike after 92 Km, with only 2 Km left to the transition area. I ended up in the hospital, luckily with nothing serious and I had to pay $800 in order to fix my bike. I was upset, but after the initial shock I realized that I was actually lucky that I’m still healthy and I get to have another chance to finish my first Ironman.
You should be happy, too, that you have plenty of other chances left to qualify to Kona. So, start concentrating on your next Ironman race instead of wallowing in the past.
You are feeling normal - you didn't finish a huge goal. Take the time to go through the sadness and then move on.
You made the right decision - just think how you might feel right now if you did finish.
Also, don't underestimate the long term effects of jet lag.
I do like DR Dogs suggestion :)
Beth
I don't blame you for questioning your decision - you're human and you strive to be better each day. Yeah, it sucks you didn't finish. But you ensured that you (a) could still be with your family and (b) sign up for more. Personally, I believe you made the right decision.
But if it was the wrong one - so what? I had a prof in Engineering that told me "if you're not making mistakes, you're not learning, and if you're not learning, you're not doing anything worth while."
Whether you were right or wrong, you're around to try again. For me, that's the right result regardless of the decision.
B
It's so hard to DNF and you will question your decision but on the day you made the right one.
We need to make our decisions on the spot and don't have a rehearseal or take two on a decision. That's the fun part of life, and everything happen with a reason.
If you finished IMC you wouldn't have entered for IM St George, and something will happen that will change your life or you will touch and inspire someone else on your journey towards IM St George.
Keep it up
J
I can see where you are coming from, I have that nit picking event performance personality type too. No matter what others say, even medical professionals it will come back to your thoughts again and again. If you let it, it will become a great open sore that holds you back.
DON'T DWELL ON IT NOW! Leave that for when you are maudling in your cups at age 96, talking to your great grand kids... ;)
Get out the course map, and plan how you can have a great time at IM Utah. Use that willpower for a positive focus.
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
I haven't read everyone else's comments as they'll be sensible and supportive, I'm sure. I'm just going to be brutally honest.
I feel I have the credentials and permission to do that as I've been there - as you know in 2005 IMMY only had 40 entrants due to a legal issue and there were 35 Hawaii slots - if you finished you qualified. It was my 7th Ironman but my first (and only, so far) DNF.
I had very mild food poisoning two days before (very MILD, nothing like what you had) and I felt totally recovered the day before the race. However, after at least 30mins in T1 I dragged myself onto the bike but had to keep stopping and lying down, T2 was worse especially when the winner came and finished just a few metres away.
I planned to hobble & crawl if necessary around the run and make the 17hr cut off. At just over half way my wife found me staggering along in the dark and screamed at me to stop, I collapsed and an ambulance took me off the course. The fact that she and the medical team made that decision should make the DNF easier to deal with than you but I promise you it did/does not. I felt depressed, ashamed, a failure, I felt I'd disgraced myself. Sadly I have to say there are still remnants of those feeling of that day still lingering with me today. You're so right about the pain of not finishing.
I doubt I would have got much further if my wife hadn't found me but I'll never know. No one will ever know whether you would have been able to finish or how much damage you would have done to yourself trying - what is done is done and there's nothing you can do about it now except say "Oh well ay!" And work on moving on.
So here are my words of wisdom, there are two things you must embrace: -
1)Time is a great healer BUT... To work you must give time - TIME
2)You must get back on the horse (but not blindly - use the lessons of China)
After I DNF'd I was already scheduled to do IMSA (South Africa). I was scared, I'd lost my self belief and confidence, I was worried I didn't have another finish in me. So I took on the race with a different attitude from my usual bravado. I ate and slept before the race sensibly (out of fear), I did the swim conservatively (out of fear), I did the bike conservatively (unheard of but out of fear), my nutrition and hydration was spot on (out of fear) and this resulted in me running most of the marathon (never done before) and crushing my personal best (all out of fear of DNFing again). I learned more in that race (out of fear) than I had in 8 previous Ironmans.
You have Utah and Lake Placid to exorcise the ghosts of China so recover and then do the smart training, make the right decisions, learn from your mistakes and go have two awesome races - NO REGRETS.
So in conclusion, stop being such a big softie, get over it (say it with me - "Oh well ay!") And don't forget my Ironman season is over, I'm relying on you to live my dreams. We both are investing in you so don't let "us" down.
Here are a couple of little gems to leave you with: -
There are two kinds of cyclists, those that have crashed and those that are going to crash.
There are two types of Ironman, those that have DNF'd and those that haven't done enough Ironmans.
I hope this helps, I'm in Thailand at the moment so this is on my Blackberry, I typed it once then accidently deleted it. It was a choice of doing it again and getting thumb cramps or going for a belly full of beer - you better appreciate the choice - I'm now going for those beers with very sore thumbs.
Ps the word verification was "shine"
Relax buddy. you did what was right at the time. Nobody thinks worse of you for it and neither should you. Move forwards but get plenty of rest. A tired body equals a tired mind and that's when the feelings of melancholy will begin to flutter across your consciousness. Chill out, train when you feel like it and nurse yourself back to physical and mental health.
J.
J, thanks. I'm taking your advice and feel better already. Thanks again.
B
To everyone who left comments on this, I truly aprechiated them. The helped immensly in reseting my mental state. Thanks again.
B
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