Starting to get stressed and depressed already...

When I started my comeback three years ago, that summer I did 8 triathlons and 6 running races. I literally raced myself into shape almost every weekend.

My season culminated with a half Ironman distance race in Ottawa. I was scared. It had been over 15 years since I did that distance. In the end, I had an awesome race that even surprised me, a 5:23 (although the run was 1 mile short). Then the unexpected happened, I got depressed.

All that year I had been chasing goals. Which were basically to sign up for a race and then try to finish it with my best effort and try to improve every race. Now I had no races, which meant no goals. I remember sitting at my computer and having this empty feeling. The answer to my depression finally came to me. I needed to set another goal! I decided my next goal would be to run a marathon and I signed up for the Philadelphia Marathon which was November 18th, 2007. I only had six weeks to train.

The minute I signed up and clicked the pay button, my low spirits went away. It was the strangest sensation, like I took a magic drug. The cloud lifted immediately and the sunshine came back. It was then I realized, for mental health reasons, I always need a goal to strive towards. It makes me feel alive.

While preparing for the Philadelphia Marathon, I met John Barclay at the masters swim club I had just joined. He told me he did one sprint triathlon in 2007 and then signed up for the Louisville Ironman in August 2008. He didn't even really know how to swim very well and signed up anyway. I hadn't even thought of doing an Ironman, but John gave me the idea and I already knew that after I finished the Philadelphia marathon I was going to need another goal, so why not the Louisville Ironman.

After talking to John, I checked out the Louisville Ironman website. I filled in all the application and credit card information. Then I sat there and looked at it on the screen. My heart was beating a little faster and I had a nervous excitement. I kept asking Alice if I should do it? Should I push that pay button? I must have asked her half a dozen times. She kept saying "it's up to you" every time I asked. I kept telling her "I think I need this goal as my next challenge". I didn't say that to convince her, I did it to convince myself. I'd done Ironman's in the past and I knew how much they hurt. I was scared. I knew it would require a lot of training.

Eventually, with a click of the mouse I made the commitment and started a new and exciting journey. Before I started my Ironman training I was forced to take a couple of weeks off because I had my tonsils removed. I couldn't even eat or swallow. It was a difficult time. I had no choice and I wasn't training as much as I do now, so it wasn't that big of lifestyle change.

Now, after only three days of not training, I'm having a difficult time. I know it's necessary and critical so that my body can repair and rejuvenate. But I'm scared. I'm scared I'll lose all the fitness and the momentum I've gained over the past two and a half years. To an outsider I'm sure this statement sounds ridiculous, but to me it's a genuine fear.

Over the past two and a half years, I've transcended my mind and body with respect to training. In the beginning of Ironman training I was fatigued and burnt out often. If it wasn't for weekend partying and getting drunk, I don't know how I would have been able to stay consistent.

The beer helped me forget about how burnt out and sore I felt and was essentially my reset button in a bottle. I'd be burnt out on Friday and by Saturday, after a night of partying, I forgot all about the burnt out feeling. It would completely go away. It seemed like I was burnt out a week earlier, not a day earlier.

It's taken two years and 25,000 kilometers of training, but now I rarely get burnt out and need to hit the reset button. My greatest fear is that by taking time off, I'll be more susceptible to burnout and fatigue again. That it would be like starting over. I'm in such a great mental and physical spot right now and I don't want to time travel back two and a half years.

Even today, if I didn't have to go home at lunch to get my laptop power cord, I would have went to the pool for a short swim. I convinced myself it would be good for my back. Speaking about my back, I went for a massage this morning and it did wonders. Right afterwards my back felt 50% better. I'm still having trouble walking because of muscle soreness, which is kinda cool, it tells me I went hard and should have no regrets. Even this morning, I still needed to shuffle downstairs one stair at a time.

My biggest stress right now is not being able to train and trying to cope with it. I need to be able to learn how to relax without fear of losing fitness. This is a really big test. I also don't want to get lazy. To me an object in motion, stays in motion. I am committed to taking the time off, it's just hard for me right now. It's all so very new.

Off Season - Day off

Massage